Helping someone else
What to say, and what not to say, when someone tells you something has happened.
This page is being checked by a lawyer. Use it as general information for now.
If someone has chosen to tell you, they trust you. How you react in the first minute matters more than knowing the law.
What to say
- “I believe you.”
- “It’s not your fault.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “What do you need right now?”
- “I’ll stay with you while we work out what to do.”
What not to say or do
- “Why didn’t you say no?” or “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
- “Are you sure?” or “Maybe they didn’t mean it.”
- “What were you wearing?” “Why were you there?” “Had you been drinking?”
- Don’t push for details. Let them tell you as much or as little as they want
- Don’t promise to keep it secret if they are under 18. You may not be able to
- Don’t confront the person who did it. It can put them at risk and harm a case
- Don’t post about it or tell other people
Then help with the next step
- If they are in danger, call 112
- If it happened in the last few days, time matters for medical care and evidence. Go through What to do first together
- Offer to go with them: to a counsellor, a doctor or the police
If they are under 18
If you are an adult, you must report it. The law says anyone who knows that a child has been sexually abused has to tell the police. Not reporting is an offence. This applies to parents, teachers, counsellors, coaches and relatives.
- You can report to the police or call the Child Helpline on 1098
- Don’t investigate first. You don’t need proof, and you should not question the child for details. Listen, write down what they said in their own words, and report
- Tell the child honestly what you are going to do and why, before you do it
- In a school, follow the school’s procedure and involve the counsellor straight away
- If you are under 18 yourself, don’t carry this alone. Help your friend choose an adult to tell, and offer to go with them
What the law does for under-18s
If they are 18 or older
What happens next is their decision. Medical care, a police report and a trial are separate choices. Help them see the options and respect what they choose, even if you would choose differently.
Look after yourself too
Hearing this is hard. It is fine to talk to a counsellor about how you are feeling. Tele-MANAS gives free mental health support at any hour on 14416.
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